Jeb Bush

Age: 63

Occupation: Former governor of Florida

Hometown: Coral Gables, FL

What gift would you most like to receive this Valentine's Day?
Applause.
What are you drinking on your Valentine's date?
I like to have a nice low-energy drink to start my day, it keeps me really mellow, centered, and tedious.
Do you believe in love (specifically, do you believe that it is love)?
Listen, in my family we always learned that the truest form of love was between a President of the United States and his First Lady.
What are you looking for in a date?
300+ pages of opposition research on Donald Trump. I need some new material.
How do you define progress?
Another Bush in the White House.

Ben Carson

Age: 64

Occupation: Retired neurosurgeon

Hometown: West Palm Beach, FL

What's your idea of a perfect date?
Maybe we stand together in the hallway alongside the debate stage, getting to know each other silently, ignoring the stage manager frantically asking me to get onstage.
Do you believe in love (specifically, do you believe that it is love)?
Love...is that one of those politically correct terms liberals like to use?
Does Barack Obama know exactly what he's doing?
Not with the health care law that has given quality health care to a record number of people.
What are you looking for in a date?
I like a woman who gives me a turn to speak. I really like being asked questions though I don't tend to have much to say.
Is America currently great?
Well, Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery, and slavery was pretty bad.

Ted Cruz

Age: 45

Occupation: U.S. Senator

Hometown: Houston, TX

How do you spend your free time?
Shutting down the government. Ask me about the time I ran up a $24 billion tab on the U.S. economy!
Scientists: Are they for real?
Have you ever been to Canada? Gets cold up there. Global warming isn't real.
What are you looking for in a date?
Good health insurance I can get in on while I try to take it away from nearly everybody else.
How do you define progress?
I don't. I am the only true conservative in this race.
Is America currently great?
The middle parts of it are. I'm not so sure about the coasts and their New York values.

John Kasich

Age: 63

Occupation: Governor of Ohio

Hometown: Westerville, OH

What's your idea of a perfect date?
I like grabbing a steak and telling women that they don't get to make decisions about their bodies -- that's for us men to handle.
What gift would you most like to recieve this Valentine's Day?
A framed copy of the newspaper on one of the proudest moments of my career: The day I helped orchestrate the 1995 government shutdown.
What are you drinking on your Valentine's date?
Nothing as good as what I drank during my time at Lehman Brothers. People who cause major economic crises have great taste in scotch.
Do you believe in love (specifically, do you believe that it is love)?
I believe that the deepest love is between a Republican governor and his wealthiest constituents. That’s why I cut funding for schools and local governments so I could give my nearest and dearest a really sweet tax break.
What are you looking for in a date?
I like a woman who isn’t afraid to take the wheel. And I was proud to give so many Ohio women that opportunity when I shut down convenient women’s health clinics, forcing them to drive hundreds of miles for care.

Marco Rubio

Age: 44

Occupation: U.S. Senator

Hometown: West Miami, FL

How do you spend your free time?
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Scientists: Are they for real?
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.
What are you looking for in a date?
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.
How do you define progress?
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Is America currently great?
Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Donald Trump

Age: 69

Occupation: Businessman

Hometown: New York, NY

How do you spend your free time?
When I’m not making sweeping generalizations about immigrants, I’ve been perfecting the "quadruple Windsor" -- a new tie knot I'm planning to debut before Nevada. It’s gonna be yuge.
What's your idea of a perfect date?
I pull out all the stops - flowers, champagne, rampant misogyny. I am hugely successful, I plan the classiest dates.
Scientists: Are they for real?
What have scientists given us? Global warming? Hoax.
What are you drinking on your Valentine's date?
Manhattan - best drink, best city. Not for losers. What did Bush say he’s drinking? Probably some loser drink.
Is America currently great?
No, but I am.
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